I was doing the work of 4, as was of custom in the bank culture, having set up a department from scratch with just my boss and 3 others, to more than 100. And, like a proper corporate slave, having set no boundaries with my boss (because I was thankful to have been chosen for the job?!), I got to a point of almost burnout.
And although I was extremely busy, with crazy hours, working 7 days a week, I realised that I had no purpose in life. That what I was doing lacked true meaning. That the busier I was, the emptier I felt inside. That I had kept myself so busy not to face the truth.
And I had a calling to do an Ayurveda course in Sri Lanka, out of nowhere. I didn’t know much about it but was intrigued by holistic medicines. Without thinking twice, I saw myself claiming all my unused leave of the past couple of years (those that hadn’t expired) and booked a three-week-long course over the May bank-holidays. And the journey began. Healing from the gut.
I hadn’t realised until then how certain foods were bad for me. How some were ok in a season but not in another. And how, to rephrase the Ayurvedic ancients, we are what we digest.
Was it just the food?
The fact that I was in a remote place without an internet connection? (a true digital detox, scary initially but turned out to be a pure luxury!)
The full-body Crtl+Alt+Del?
The rebalancing of excess Vata (ayurvedic term), symbolised by speed, movement, stress, and neurodegenerative ailments?
The daily yoga, swims, and long walks on the beach?
The breath-taking sunsets that I looked at in complete awe?
The learnings and finally starting to get answers to some of the existential questions I’d been asking myself for years?
I do not know. It was probably all of it. A holistic mix. The point is that I’d never felt better. Purer. Just raw. In touch with my true self. Detached from the material world. Nourished by beauty, compassion, and kindness.
And, as time went by, instead of staying with my fellow students for meals, I started eating on my own. Some were upset. Some didn’t understand my move. I didn’t care. It was time for me to be selfish and to focus my attention and TLC on ME. Something that in the corporate world I’d never done. Everyone used to come to my desk to vent their frustrations and get encouraging words or advice on how to handle a situation. Yet no one was there for me. And I thought it was normal, given I was one of the ‘founders’. That my boss wasn’t here for that.
So, for once I redirected all the energy I had back onto me. And it felt great! I felt my inner child come out for a frivolous play. And, out of nowhere, I felt I had to quit my job, leave my belongings behind, and do some voluntary work where people really needed help, whist in return, filling myself with their love and compassion. Not soulless corporates earning a 6k figure and coming to my desk to cry to mamma because their ego got hurt. A true sense of purpose. That’s what I was lacking.
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With Much Love,
Heidi
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